


Caliginous Ideal

by FaustianAspirant



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Pesterlog, patron troll swap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-30
Updated: 2011-09-30
Packaged: 2017-10-24 04:34:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/259054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FaustianAspirant/pseuds/FaustianAspirant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written in response to a captchalogue prompt that requested patron troll swaps. Naturally, I delivered several pages of Karkat and Dave interrupting each other to launch into prolix tangents of dubious relevance to much in particular.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Caliginous Ideal

**Author's Note:**

> Original request:
> 
> http://captchalogue.livejournal.com/1365.html?thread=1385045

==> Karkat: troll this insufferable coolkid

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG].

CG: ATTENTION, PERPETUALLY BESPECTACLED HUMAN.  
CG: THIS IS YOUR GOD SPEAKING.  
CG: IT IS A VENGEFUL GOD WHO HOLDS YOU AND YOUR CONCEITED MANNERISMS IN THE SACRED ENCLOSURE OF HIS UTMOST SCORN.  
CG: YES, THAT’S RIGHT. I HAVE OBSERVED YOU AND YOUR CONTEMPTIBLE EFFORTS TO CONCEAL HOW MUCH OF AN ABHORRENT SCUMBAG YOU ARE, ALL THE WHILE CRINGING IN A SPATE OF CELESTIAL DISGUST.  
CG: I HAVE WATCHED YOU BEING SCHOOLED IN THE WAYS OF SHITTY SWORDSMANSHIP AND PRETENTIOUS WORDPLAY BY YOUR BIZARRE ALIEN MAN-LUSUS – WATCHED YOUR INEXORABLE ASCENT TO THE HIGH PINNACLE OF RAMPANT DOUCHEBAGGERY, AND SHUDDERED IN THE PROCESS.  
CG: SUCH AN ACHIEVEMENT REAPS NO CORRESPONDING GAINS – IT HERALDS ONLY THE INEVITABLE TIDE OF MY IMMORTAL HATRED.  
CG: A HATRED MORE RELENTLESS THAN ANY OTHER BILE TSUNAMI OF ITS ILK, DEADLIER THAN A METEOR HURRICANE, BLACK AS THE PURE, JET HAZE OF THE FURTHEST RING, OR THE MURK-TINGED SURFACE OF YOUR HIDEOUS EYEGEAR.  
CG: DETESTATION SO POWERFUL THAT IT PERMEATES THE SURROUNDING AIR WITH A SCREECHING DRONE OF EXCRUCIATING MELODY.  
CG: MY HATE IS THE FOUNDATION OF EVERY ELEMENT COMPRISING THE VAST, HARLEQUIN CANVAS OF YOUR UNIVERSE.  
CG: IT IS THE QUINTESSENCE OF YOUR VAPID EXISTENCE.  
CG: AND IT IS MY GIFT TO YOU.  
CG: YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THAT.  
CG: YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT.   
TG: sup vantas   
CG: WHAT  
CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME.    
TG: man you have no idea how long i have been preparing for this  
TG: ive composed rhymes so chronically ailing they will infect your rage fogged mind with untold quantities of brilliance  
TG: trigger an explosive animosity aneurism  
TG: get ready for this  
TG: gotta take shelter from the written onslaught  
TG: totter down to the nuclear bunker and huddle amongst the canned beans in a terrified bundle of security blanket and shame  
TG: hope that the reds are gonna spare you the deluxe delivery of totally assfucked sprinkled with a liberal helping of atom bomb  
TG: which they wont  
TG: fuckers wont even hold the anchovies  
TG: the anchovies are the resultant slivers of gray matter left over from your mind being blown in this metaphor  
TG: because i am the coming apocalypse of unhealthy incendiaries and utter verbal annihilation and also apparently cold war jokes  
TG: and this  
TG: this is mutually assured destruction    
CG: ... WHAT.    
TG: what   
CG: NO, SERIOUSLY, WHAT. ARE YOU SAYING YOU WERE EXPECTING THIS?  
CG: AMIDST ALL THE IRRELEVANT CRIMSON BABBLE, IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE SAYING?    
TG: yeah you see this is the part where you get all pissy and puzzled about how your best laid iresplosion fantasies went awry  
TG: and the be honest with you i have no idea why you decided to troll me backwards  
TG: but weve hashed over these standard explanations so many times between us that its like a mangled snarl of temporal tedium  
TG: so like i said i prepared some expository verse for the occasion  
TG: blame your future self  
TG: it was his idea    
CG: OKAY, FIRST OFF, WHY WOULD I TROLL YOU BACKWARDS?  
CG: THAT JUST DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.  
CG: YOU MEAN I TALK TO YOU IN THE PAST AFTER THIS?  
CG: WHY THE HELL WOULD I WASTE THE LIMITED TIME I HAVE LEFT IN THIS GLORIFIED ABATTOIR BY DOING THAT?    
TG: calm the fuck down and listen vantas  
TG: after this everything will immediately make sense    
CG: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I HAVE THE PATIENCE TO   
TG: karkat shut up  
TG: bro im annexed im trapped in this wall of text youre perplexed i get it  
TG: but the hate you insinuate is so damn innate will abate so dont sweat it  
TG: so you pick up the temporal slack and go back to attack me with new frustration  
TG: you wind back the clock and go talk to me taking stock of the situation  
TG: but then comes enlightenment  
TG: my entitlement  
TG: to your awe becomes evident  
TG: and you see that im one cool dude and your attitude was an aberration   
CG: OH MY GOD.  
CG: WHAT THE NOOKWHIFFING FUCK AM I READING.    
TG: unabridged words of wisdom bro  
TG: eat up that shit like its holy writ   
CG: WAIT, I SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING HERE.  
CG: YOU’RE ATTEMPTING TO COUNTER-TROLL ME.  
CG: YOU ACTUALLY THINK YOU POSSESS THE CAPABILITY TO DO THAT.  
CG: HUMAN, I WILL OBLITERATE YOU.    
TG: vantas when the inevitable conversational butchery goes down this pyrrhic verbal battlefield will be littered with the leaking carcasses of what was once our respective self esteem and ability to communicate without tearing each other to segments of emotional mincemeat  
TG: see this is why ive been looking forward to this  
TG: its gonna be the fucking valentines day massacre between your illegally bloated ego and my criminally insane amount of cool   
CG: DON’T GIVE ME THAT HOOFBEASTSHIT, EARTH HUMAN EGOTIST.  
CG: I CAN’T EVEN COUNT THE NUMBER OF WAYS IN WHICH I AM YOUR INTELLECTUAL SUPERIOR.  
CG: IT WOULD TAKE A HYPERCOMPUTER THE SIZE OF THIS GODDAMN METEOR TO QUANTIFY THE SHEER EXTENT OF YOUR COMPARATIVE WORTHLESSNESS.    
TG: oh yeah and its strider btw  
TG: dave strider  
TG: you know that in the future  
TG: which is to say my past  
TG: so i figured i must have told you at some point  
TG: and here i am now  
TG: making it hapen  
TG: i just love it when trans-timeline clarification is all neat and non fatal  
TG: i was half expecting there to be yet another dave corpse to chuck into the decomposing tombpile for that so its pretty good to realise i didnt end up slaughtering myself to prevent you from exhausting every single sci fi sobriquet you could dredge up from old 70s films  
TG: looks like weve arrested this identity issue in its lumbering tracks before you actually had to resort to calling me earthling  
TG: you can thank me for that  
TG: you ungrateful piece of shit    
CG: I CATEGORICALLY REFUSE TO RECOGNISE HOW A USELESS FORAY INTO HUMAN NOMENCLATURE IS AT ALL RELEVANT TO MY HATING YOUR WATERY PINK GUTS, STRIDER.  
CG: WHICH IS, UNEQUIVOCALLY, STILL A THING THAT IS TRUE.  
CG: IN FACT, IT IS ACTUALLY EVEN MORE TRUE SINCE YOU DECIDED TO BREAK OUT THE NONSENSICAL SLAM POETRY INDICATING THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP MIGHT EVER BE EVEN ROUGHLY CONGRUENT TO THE CONCEPT OF “EARTH HUMAN BUDDIES”.  
CG: SEE, I EVEN PUT THAT IN DOUBLE INVERTED COMMAS, IN ORDER TO BEST DISTANCE SUCH A REPUGNANT NOTION FROM THE OTHERWISE IMMACULATE PLANE OF MY CONTEMPT.  
CG: DOUBLE COMMAS, STRIDER.  
CG: I’M GOING TO PAUSE A WHILE AND LET THE GRAVITY OF SUCH A SYNTACTICAL CHOICE SINK INTO THE SLUGGISH MEAT OF YOUR DEFICIENT THINK PAN.  
CG: EXCEPT I’M NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO STOP TYPING BECAUSE IT WILL ONLY GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO SPEW MORE NONSENSE IN THE MEANTIME.    
TG: yeah thats not actually gonna stop me from talking    
CG: WHICH I WILL PROCEED TO IGNORE REGARDLESS, BECAUSE EVERYTHING YOU SAY AMOUNTS TO INCOHERENT GARBAGE.    
TG: all i have to do is interrupt   
CG: THINKING ABOUT IT, I GUESS THE POINTLESS, CONFRONTATIONAL HOOFBEASTSHIT YOU’RE FLINGING AT ME ISN’T ALL THAT SURPISING.   
TG: see im doing it now   
CG: I MEAN, I THINK IT JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT I’M RIGHT ABOUT THIS.   
TG: still talking here  
TG: you know thats still a thing thats happening right  
TG: never stopped   
CG: DON’T YOU GET THE FEELING THAT WE’RE CONNECTED IN SOME WAY, DAVE.   
TG: for the record im still typing stuff   
CG: SORT OF COSMICALLY.  
CG: LIKE OUR MUTUAL ANTIPATHY IS SO POWERFUL IT MUST HAVE BEEN TRACED ACROSS THE GALAXY. ECHOED IN THE CONSTELLATIONS.  
CG: RESOUNDING PERPETUALLY THROUGHOUT OUR TWIN INCIPISPHERES AS I TROLL YOU INTO OBLIVION.    
TG: dude  
TG: what   
CG: OH, SO YOU FINALLY DECIDED TO JOIN THE CONVERSATION AGAIN, DID YOU?    
TG: dunno man you seemed hella intent on pontificating about your predestination visionary bullshit all on your own  
TG: not gonna get in the way of a man and his monologue  
TG: should i step outside for a bit and make it a soliloquy  
TG: anytime youre ready to get off the stage give me a call  
TG: try not to keep the bows going on for too long mmkay  
TG: three curtain calls tops    
CG: STRIDER, SHUT THAT FESTERING LOAD GAPER YOU SO OPTIMISTICALLY CALL A PROTEIN CHUTE BEFORE WE ALL PASS OUT FROM THE PUTRID STENCH OF YOUR FETID CONVERSATIONAL EFFLUVIA.  
CG: I AM ATTEMPTING TO MAKE A POINT HERE.    
TG: yeah i sorta gathered  
TG: basically you were waxing all kinds of lyrical about your raging hateboner  
TG: and about how my unparalleled charisma disturbs and enthrals you in ways you dont quite understand  
TG: thats about the upshot of this star struck little diatribe right    
CG: WHAT? NO.  
CG: AS IF I’D MAKE SUCH A BRAZEN SOLICITATION.  
CG: THAT IS JUST RIDICULOUS.  
CG: I MEAN  
CG: NOT THAT I’M DENYING THE FACT THAT WE’VE OBVIOUSLY GOT A FAIRLY HEATED SORT OF RIVALRY GOING ON HERE, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE SIMPLY DENSE AND SHORTSIGHTED.  
CG: OBVIOUSLY THERE’S A CONSIDERABLE AMOUNT OF TENSION, AND YOU’D HAVE TO BE BORDERLINE MORONIC TO REFUTE THAT.  
CG: AND CLEARLY I’M NOT ABOUT TO JUST DISMISS OUT OF HAND THE POSSIBILITY OF ACTING ON THAT IN THE FUTURE.  
CG: THAT WOULD BE STUPID.    
TG: ahahahaha oh man  
TG: you actually are arent you  
TG: youre trying to strike up some kind of long distance gay alien hatelove liaison  
TG: this has freaky extraterrestrial trollmance written all over it in spades  
TG: pun fully intended  
TG: see i didnt tune out completely when you gave me the ‘intro to troll relationships 101’ spiel  
TG: just during the parts that had to do with shitty cinema  
TG: which was most of it   
CG: OKAY, COULD WE JUST GET THIS CLEAR?  
CG: I AM NOT ATTEMPTING TO INITIATE SOME KIND OF CONVOLUTED KISMETIC DANCE HERE.  
CG: WE’VE ONLY JUST MET, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.    
TG: isnt that my line    
CG: AND IT’S NOT AS IF THERE’S ANY CHANCE OF THE TWO OF US INHABITING THE SAME UNIVERSE, SO IT’S ALL ACADEMIC ANYWAY.  
CG: I MEAN, YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET PERFORATED BY A HAIL OF BULLETS IN LIKE TEN MINUTES.  
CG: ALONGSIDE BEING TOTALLY PREMATURE AND BATSHIT INSANE, IT WOULD BE THE MOST SHORT-LIVED KISMESITUDE IN LIVING MEMORY.    
TG: gee thanks for the reminder vantas  
TG: id forgotten all about my imminent career switch to slug riddled corpseflesh before you deigned to give me the lowdown  
TG: is it too late to write out a resume dyou reckon  
TG: professional human colander  
TG: strengths include rigor mortis and cooling to room temperature  
TG: can hold breath underwater for limitless amount of time  
TG: staring competition pro though not too great at thumb wars    
CG: OH, GIVE OVER AND STOP BEING SO PATHETIC. IT’S NOT LIKE YOUR SPELL AS A CADAVER WILL BE ANYTHING BUT BRIEF.  
CG: GOD, ANYONE WOULD THINK YOU WERE THE ONLY PERSON IN PARADOX SPACE TO HAVE FACED THE PROSPECT OF A LITTLE TEMPORARY FATALITY.  
CG: ONE SHORT LIPLOCK WITH THE TOTALLY UNAPPEALING SPACEWITCH AND YOU’LL BE WAKING UP ON DERSE, ALIVE AND UNPUNCTURED.  
CG: THIS IS HARDLY THAT BIG OF A DEAL.    
TG: yeah  
TG: yeah youre totally right  
TG: no other plans involving the death of my dreamself waiting in the wings here  
TG: the wings are totally vacant and bereft of all future conjectures particularly ones to do with suicide missions  
TG: everything planless and clueless and possibly ready for erratic and unscheduled flight but who even knows and certainly it is a mission which in no way demands the sacrifice of a derse player to achieve liftoff   
CG: I’M NOT EVEN SURE WHICH METAPHORS YOU’RE SPLICING TOGETHER HERE.  
CG: AND, OBVIOUSLY, NOR DO I CARE.  
CG: THIS IS ALL TOTALLY IRRELEVANT. YOU AND YOUR TEAM ARE GOING TO BE OBLITERATED BY THE SCRATCH SOON ANYWAY.   
TG: actually we sorta got a plan for that  
TG: specifically your plan    
CG: WAIT, WHAT PLAN? I THOUGHT YOU SAID THERE WERE NO PLANS?   
TG: yeah but theres The Plan  
TG: capitalised for exclusivity  
TG: and believe me my fingers feel like theyve been seared by a gallon of magma after that excruciating brush with uppercase  
TG: anyway with your teams help were gonna try and escape this dead session via the very thing that dooms you guys to begin with  
TG: and i quote  
TG: the scratch is our only hope  
TG: in case this wasnt painfully obvious the person im quoting is you    
CG: WHAT.   
TG: future you  
TG: you know the one who actually knows jack shit about anything  
TG: and also the one who doesnt have some kind of freaky hatecrush on me  
TG: that i know of    
CG: YOU’D BE CORRECT WITH REGARDS TO THE SECOND PART – CHIEFLY BECAUSE NO EXISTING ITERATION OF ME, PAST,PRESENT, FUTURE OR SHITHIVE ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, WOULD EVER CONSIDER HOPPING INTO A CALIGINOUS QUADRANT WITH SOMEONE AS UTTERLY REVOLTING AS YOU.  
CG: I MEAN DOES THAT EVEN NEED TO BE STATED.  
CG: IN ANY SANE, FUNCTIONAL REALITY, THAT OUGHT TO BE TAKEN AS READ.    
TG: yeah thats what i thought before you went and flattened this conversation with a fuckton of awkward   
CG: WOW.  
CG: YEAH. THIS IS REALLY AWKWARD, ISN’T IT.    
TG: on a scale of one to phenomenally cringe worthy  
TG: yeah  
TG: yeah this ranks up there    
CG: OK, LOOK, HERE’S WHAT WE’LL DO.  
CG: WE ARE NEVER, EVER GOING TO REFER TO WHATEVER SOLICITATION I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT INITIATE IN THIS CONVERSATION.  
CG: AND ANYTHING I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE TYPED IN A MOMENT OF TEMPORARY LUNACY IS HENCEFORTH TO BE OBLITERATED FROM THE RECORD, AND ALSO FROM OUR RESPECTIVE SHORT TERM MEMORIES.  
CG: THE FRAGMENTS OF NEURAL TISSUE DEVOTED TO RECOLLECTION OF KARKAT’S EMBARASSING SHIT MAY AS WELL HAVE BEEN SURGICALLY REMOVED, FOR ALL THE SYNAPTIC ACTIVITY THEY WILL BE RECEIVING.   
TG: actually I was planning on mocking you about that for the last few minutes of my existence    
CG: AND WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN NOW IS THAT YOU’RE GOING TO STIFLE THE DEMENTED, RANDOMISED TWITCHING OF YOUR IDIOTIC, BLUNT LITTLE FINGERTIPS AS THEY SKITTER ACROSS THE KEYBOARD TYPING USELESS BILGE   
TG: ok im still typing more stuff for what its worth  
TG: once more allow me to assure you that this never stopped   
CG: AND YOU’RE GOING TO SWALLOW ALL THOSE DUMB, PEDANTIC QUIPS LINING THE HOLLOW RECESSES OF YOUR DEFICIENT THINK PAN   
TG: see this is where things begin to teeter on the edge of coherency  
TG: toeing the ridge of the precipice where things stop making sense  
TG: think pan is bizarre alienese for brain right  
TG: short of some hideous upturned oesophagus inversion im not seeing how i can swallow all my killer one liners if theyre tucked away in my head   
CG: AND LISTEN PATIENTLY AS I DELIVER A BRUTAL AND REMORSELESS CHARACTER ASSASSINATION.  
CG: YOU KNOW, AS PER THE ORIGINAL ITINERARY.   
TG: or is troll biology really that fucked up  
TG: automatic brain ingestion  
TG: sounds plausible   
CG: SO THIS IS ME.  
CG: EVISCERATING YOUR SENSE OF SELF WORTH.  
CG: NOW FOR GOD’S SAKE SHOW A BIT OF GRACE UNDER FIRE AND PAY ATTENTION.   
TG: actually  
TG: ok gonna take a rain check on that savage conversational bloodbath  
TG: sorry and all but ive got a hate date with a hail of bullets coming up in about a minute   
CG: YEAH, LIKE THAT’S NOT THE MOST RIDICULOUS EXCUSE FOR A COP OUT I’VE EVER READ.  
CG: FINE.  
CG: SAYONARA, YOU SNIVELLING, CONTEMPTIBLE PRICK.  
CG: I’LL BE TROLLING YOU BACKWARDS FROM NOW ON SO YOU WON’T EVEN BE ABLE TO GLOAT OVER WHATEVER STUPID DRIVEL I CAME OUT WITH A FEW MINUTES AGO.   
TG: that is totally a plan which will never backfire leaving us waist deep in even more pointless confusion  
TG: i approve   
CG: DRIVEL WHICH, I MIGHT ADD, WAS COMPLETELY NOT THE SORT OF DRIVEL YOU TOOK IT TO BE.  
CG: IT WAS A MUCH DIFFERENT VARIETY OF NONSENSE.  
CG: PLATONIC NONSENSE.    
TG: hahaha whatever dude   
CG: SHUT UP.  
CG: AND WITH THAT, I WILL BID YOU ONE FIRST AND FINAL FUCK YOU.  
CG: FUCK YOU, DAVE STRIDER.  
CG: FUCK YOU AND FUCK THE   
TG: hey karkat   
CG: WHAT.   
TG: actually i dunno  
TG: this is the part where im supposed to say something halfway meaningful  
TG: you know to sum up this whole partnership in antagonistic interspecies persiflage in one fell pithy swoop  
TG: but i got nothing  
TG: so there it is  
TG: just wanted to say  
TG: bye i guess

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
.  
CG: …  
CG: GODDAMNIT. 


End file.
